| a letter to those I'll leave behind |
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02:28pm 26/05/2009 |
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“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2009, if I can offer you one piece of advice, it would be this- wear sunscreen.” It would be all too easy for me to simply quote the commencement speech-turned-song from my graduation, but you deserve better than that. So here it goes. Thank you. I came in as your advisor last year, and you opened your arms to me (even if I did squash your idea for live flames on the walkway at prom). You, my dear class, were one more way I became a part of the PCHS family, and for that I am forever grateful. You have made me laugh until I double over in tears- in religion class, in the halls, during prom decoration. You were a sacrament to me- a tangible sign from God that I was exactly where I should be, even- especially- when I doubted this was the place I should be. You have shown me your hearts- in a thousand little ways, and especially in the way you refuse to forget the classmate you lost. Your smiles, laughter, and joy (along with a fantastic photo of the paint-splattered group of you from prom) will always be with me. So, now, as we all embark on new journeys, here is the advice I can offer you. Always put God first, your family & friends second, and everything else third. With God first, all other things fall into place. Take time to meet your friends for coffee, or send something besides a silly forward or Facebook survey to say you care. Follow your heart. Even if it means leaving your comfort zone. Especially if it means leaving your comfort zone. Follow it to new countries, new people, and new paths in life. Make your own decisions. Declare them loudly and proudly. Find at least three people whose advice you trust and who will be there to listen to you. Be you- silly, adventurous, shy, searching, outgoing, intelligent, loud- whatever it is, just be yourself. You are amazing, all on your own. Don’t let any person or institution take that inherent power from you. Most of all, know you are forever a part of my heart. You have changed me for the better, and I am forever in your debt for the wonderful time we have spend together. May you always soar, Ms. H mood:  nostalgic |
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| a little joy |
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02:16pm 15/03/2009 |
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I know, I know. It's been ages since I've really posted. I'm just feeling a little... stuck. Nothing extraordinary is happening. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing the right thing by moving from WV. I'm a good teacher, and I like it, but I don't love it. And I'm pretty sure teaching is one of those jobs you should love if you're going to do it. It's not fair to my students, and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. I haven't set foot in a church since I left St MM. I attend mass at school, and still firmly believe in the presence of Christ in each person I meet and in the bread and wine, but I can't keep up the charade for much longer. I sat through MILK with Bob and shook for half the movie, knowing the religion- the social construct founded on the basic beliefs that I know to be true- I have devoted my life to was the shelter and excuse for the hate that continues today. How can I put my energy into something I see as flawed, yet necessary for some people? I guess I'm having a bit of a Luther experience- wanting desperately to change the institution from the inside, but feeling helpless. Soon, I'll break away- not from Catholicism, but from the entire construct. I still see the divinity of the structure. I see where it started and the goodness of men's hearts who simply wanted to be able to touch, taste, hear, and see faith. I don't hate the system. I simply choose to unplug from it. For now, I'm in neutral, trying to accomplish something great and getting... nowhere. I find myself counting down until my real life can start, the life I'm supposed to live, surrounded by people who love me as much as I love them, and show it. It's not that I don't love my friends out here, and I know they love me, I'm just not as important to them as I'd like. Facebook is a priority. Other things in their life take precedence. I don't blame them. I'm leaving, with the promise to return once a year and meet up at Dragon Con, but still leaving. Why should they put massive amounts of energy into our relationship? In a few months, I won't be around for get-togethers at the Mountaineer or movie nights at Rob's. So what does it matter if they forget to call or don't show up on time? The great thing is, this isn't depression talking. For the first spring I can remember since I was a sophomore in high school, I'm not depressed. There isn't some great beast clawing at my soul, scream hateful obscenities at me. All is quiet. There are good things. Jokes over Chinese takeout with the ladies at work. New methods and inspiration at the center. Being a line cheerleader for Biggest Loser auditions. And, best of all, a message last night, when I was spiraling into anger: a cute little voice singing "In Heaven There is No Beer." A tiny reminder of the dear family in DC I miss, and will go to see very soon. mood:  artistic |
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Things that we believe in 1 - Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| well, then. |
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10:16am 15/01/2009 |
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It's official. There's no backing out now. My checking balance is $70 lower, my inbox now has a confirmation and receipt waiting for me. On October 18th, I'll be joining the crush of people at Nollen Plaza to run the Des Moines marathon. I'm running for Wags- to honor the man who taught me more about self-respect and personal honor than anyone else I've ever met. Running won't bring him back. But the money I raise for cancer research will insure in the very near future that no other family has to watch the one they love lose the fight. If you live in Des Moines, I better see you along the route. I may not finish fast- but I will finish. And when I wake up again, we will raise a glass to Wags. Get your own MySpace Countdown now! mood:  determined |
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Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| fyi |
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10:47am 14/01/2009 |
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I do not like this one bit. I still have work keys. I feel like I'll never be rid of that damn place. And my one saving grace, that tiny little silver lining that kept me saying "no, really, this is a good thing"? Gone. Today, I feel like the entire world is against me and everything- from polar ice caps melting to students flunking- is my fault. Can I fast-forward to June? mood:  bitchy |
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Things that we believe in 1 - Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| always winter |
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12:38pm 17/12/2008 |
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One week. There's only one week left of classes. One week of the purgatory of office work. One week until I can set this all aside for a time and simply be. Parkersburg as a whole is driving me straight past crazy and right to the white jackets. The entire city feels stuck in passive-aggressive indecision. The weather doesn't know what it wants to be- a gorgeous snow fell Monday night into Tuesday, in those great clumps of flakes that make the whole world look like a post card. For the first time, it felt like Christmas. I hunkered down at home for the better part of the day, baking banana bread and cleaning, putting together presents and setting aside things to pack. Last night, I was consumed by the idea that I would be driving through Illinois in just a week. I could almost hear my cousins' laughter and feel my grandma's arms around me. Today, the beauty and magic have faded. It's just warm enough to send drizzle down instead of snow. The white blanket that embraced the city yesterday is fading, revealing dead leaves and brown grass. Even the snow that tries to stick it out it grey and dull. The Christmas lights strung throughout trees and wrapped around porch posts seem out of place. On lawns throughout the city, 8 foot snowmen and jolly santas lay discarded, shells of what they were meant to be. Always winter, never Christmas. I want so desperately to lay all these burdens down. I want to find rest. I've found peace, but I'm stuck pretending to be something I'm not anymore. I just need to be in a place I belong- and this is no longer it. mood:  drained |
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Things that we believe in 5 - Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| you've gotta have goals. |
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07:36am 20/11/2008 |
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Monday's fortune cookie: "The odds of hitting your target fo up dramatically when you aim at it."
Wednesday's "woo-woo" light worker's class: the law of attraction: what you think- the ideas and emotions you vibrate out- are reflected back to you in your life. So think happy. Aim high. Stop resisting. And, above all else, remember, it's all about joy. So, what do you want out of life? mood:  happy |
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| thoughts blanket me like the first snow |
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10:34am 19/11/2008 |
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Winter has arrived to my little world. Monday was the first snow- complete with a two-hour delay yesterday. The world looks so cold and crisp when I woke up, almost like home. But then I hear that the city doesn't have enough salt, and kids won't be at school because their roads in the country aren't safe, and people everywhere are complaining about the cold. We're just far enough north to get winter... and far enough south to not know how to deal with it. Last night, the dear ones and I braved the cold an snow and rush hour traffic through Ohio to see Legally Blonde on tour. Oh, the fun! The trip up was complicated by getting out of the city late, snow blanketing the highways, and drivers too busy freaking out to miss the concrete barrier on their right side. But it was also marked by gentle laughter between friends, talk of writing and dreams, and music to sing to. I can get through anything- snow, accidents, standstill traffic, even missing the opening of the show, if it's a good road trip. In the end, that's what matters. It's not the show, or the actors I meet, or the crepes at midnight on the way home- it's the journey. Give me a cup of coffee, great friends, good music, and the open road, and I can go anywhere. I guess that's how I live my life. Sure, there are goals, dreams to meet, a bucket list to cross off; but I'd much rather take the meandering, twisted path through it all than fast track to someone else's version of success. I don't regret the road that's lead me here. This is not the destination- it' simply one more leg on the journey. mood:  awake |
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Things that we believe in 4 - Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| I 've been away, but I'm learning. |
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07:30pm 30/10/2008 |
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I think I’ve finally figured out my mega-issue. It’s not that I hate this place or this life. My jobs are stressful, but for the most part, stressful in that good way. The kids drive me nuts, but I love them- even the ones I want to bop on the head. My friends aren't perfect, but I love them, too. I am simply bigger than this life, this town, this body. I remember too much. I see through the magic tricks. I feel almost claustrophobic here. I thought I could pretend, to keep up the movie magic for a little while longer, but the lights are too hot and the makeup is fading. I just want to tell the truth. The people I have brought into my life don’t know, or won’t remember, the greatness within. There is hope, however. I’ve found- or, rather, been found by, this lovely little group who remembers our divinity and searches for blue feathers and golden colored lines in the ocean. They teach me about metaphysics- reminding me that I’ve known all along, I just need to have faith in my dreams. We learn about energy lines, and tap through heartaches I thought I was long over. We reach for Zen, find bliss, and remind each other it’s all about joy. I can be more open and honest and essentially me around them than anyone I’ve found since leaving my nest. The life I’ve chosen is better because they are a part of it. They see me- perfect and whole and divine light, choosing this broken, too small existence to teach and learn. They remind me how big I am. I can fly. I will shed these broken bits, the parts that are too worn around the edges and tattered and dirty, this pain and guilt and shame, and soar again. mood:  thoughtful |
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Things that we believe in 1 - Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| I win! |
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10:24am 03/10/2008 |
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Apparently, all the prayers and sacrificial offerings to the gods of Dragon*Con have worked, because I secured our room at the Mariott this week! So, Crystal, Jessie, and I will be partying it up at a host hotel in 2009. In other news, life is busy. I work. I work at the other job. I make vague attempts to clean my house. I keep promising myself I'm going to work out. The date for my marathon draws ever closer. Yep, that's life. Lots of work, little sleep, many boxes of pink invading my house, and cute little kids. (And, just for Cay... "What's happening in Chicago?" "Fall is coming.") mood: artistic |
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| Dragon*Con 2008 |
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05:22pm 03/09/2008 |
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Egads, it was amazing. In a hundred years, I don't think I could really describe what it was like. But here's the short of it: THURSDAY I rush home from school, call Crystal, and finish last-minute cooler packing & puppy snuggles. Crystal and I pack her car and are on the road by 4. The drive to Atlanta is fun, filled with tunes from the ipod, our own Buffy sing-a-long, and fun conversations. We finally arrive at the hotel at 2 am or so. Call Jess, our new Florida buddy, check in, and go collect her from the other hotel. Talk and giggle over fangirl-ish-ness. Crystal and I decide to try our early morning luck for the James/ Gareth concert. Sleep.  FRIDAY Up and out early for Crystal and I, entirely too sleep deprived and decaffeinated. We wait in line among some huge Gareth fans (not that I don't love him... I adore Torchwood and all his accent-y, suit-wearing goodness) only to be dissapointed. Oh, well, more money for pictures! We meet Jess, for James Marster's solo panel (after mainlining a Red Bull I snagged from the promo peeps on the street). As usual, James is adorable and funny and honest. We miss out on the Nathan/ Alan panel because the line was loooooooooong, so we go for the Ghosthunters instead! Grant, Tango, Rob, and Dustin were awesome. Later that night, we saw Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and Buffy Horror Picture Show. Shiny awesomeness! Red Bull and vodkas back in the room, laughing and talking, crash.  SATURDAY Caribu coffee! Fun pictures with Nathan & Alan! Getting my crafty goodness signed by Nathan & Alan! Firefly panel #1! TORCHWOOD panel! The Shinding with the greatest costumes ever! More Red Bull & Vodkas!  SUNDAY Mainlining Red Bulls to start the day. Wander through the dealer's room to look at the pretties. Waiting in the "not-line line" for the Firefly panel. Meet new line buddies. Firefly panel of awesomeness. Miss the Voltaire concert, but buy two CD's to make up for it. Fight over James with Crystal in a picture. Fun picture with James & Gareth. Get James, Gareth, and Anthony to sign my TORCHWOOD frame. LOST panel of intrigue. Order Chinese, hot wings, and steamed shrimp, and cheese sticks from the same delivery place. Fall in love with said delivery place. Make plans with Jess & Crys to come back in 09.  MONDAY Pack all the crap I've brought that has spread throughout the hotel room. Fight the football fans for elevator to car space. Another fantastic GHOSTHUNTERS panel that makes me want, no- NEED, to investigate with them. Almost work up the nerve to tell Grant I want to work for him, only to discover they're heading to the airport and don't feel like rushing the stage like a fangirl. Realize I really want to take these guys out for beers and pick their brains. SMALLVILLE panel with only one guy, but my favorite kind of panel- less about the show, more about the person- art, music, his history in the biz- it all makes me want to watch him, to know more about who he is as an actor. One last trip through the dealer's room for comics and a lunchbox for me, toys for the Star Wars loving kids back home. Get Jess in her car, one more picture, and on the road for us. Con debrief with Crystal in the car, then deep conversation in the dark about writing, friendships, and goals.  Tuesday kind sucked because I was running on fumes and little else, but it was all worth it. Check out Dragon*Con. See what you'd like to do. Then come with me next year! We're gonna party it up in a host hotel (hopefully) and geek out! Want more photos- all 300 of them? Clicky!mood:  crazy |
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Things that we believe in 3 - Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| are we there yet? |
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02:31pm 28/08/2008 |
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I think the waiting for Dragon Con is worse than the wait for Christmas morning. I want to leave! Instead, I'm getting my students set up with work for tomorrow, leaving notes for my sub, queue up the videos for her, and making last minute lists. I want to be on the road! I want to get my geek on with a dear friend and meet new friends! I want to break into the store of caffiene waiting for me! Can I go? Are we there? mood:  hyper |
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Things that we believe in 1 - Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| I come with a song in my heart |
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11:33am 01/08/2008 |
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Happy birthday to my twin muse, writing buddy, lover of blood red raspberry italian ices, fellow Michael's survivor, bedroom graffiti artist, and all-around good person. I am honored to know you. You make me remember why I create beautiful, messy, wild things.  Someday, I will open the coffee shop I can't get out of my dreams, and we will have a sacred space to write in again. Until then, may you have a day filled with hand sweaters and "beather foas," popcorn off the stove, a lovely glass of wine, fast pens and blank pages, and acid jazz. mood: nostalgic |
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| roller coaster life |
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04:50pm 15/07/2008 |
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Recent ministry meetings have gone well. Amazingly well, in fact. I can almost feel the build happening in our parish. Youth ministry is going to explode, in all kinds of wonderful directions. This is very, very good. It makes me feel secure & confidant in my decision to sign on for another year here. But then, bittersweet news. Wags is gone. He was my role model and mentor, without ever knowing it. His opinion of me mattered more than my parents when I was in high school. He's been fighting for a long time, rallying against an overwhelming enemy, and finally laid his arms down. I am not sad that he's gone- I know he was in pain, that his family and dear friends were in pain watching him decline, and that he was secure in hope in the Lord. I am distraught because there's now a hole in the world. There are swimmers who will never experience his enthusiasm. There are parents who will never know what it's like to have a coach care the way Wags did. I haven't talked to him since sometime early in college, but his the lack of his light on the earth is like a great, gaping chasm inside of me. What do you do when there's nothing more to say? mood:  numb |
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Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| the great Midwest tour 08 |
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01:05pm 10/07/2008 |
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I had a great time with my family. Just a few highlights... Gage & Aaron playing basketball  Laney finally warming up to me  Oh, the margaritas....  Fireworks with the Gilkisons  Disking with Charlie  More Hiemers than I've seen in a long time  All in all, a fantastic trip. Do I miss my family? Hell yes. But I'm happy to be back. Right now, I'm just trying to be present in exactly what I'm doing- working, blogging, rehearsing, or being with friends. That's the key to happiness- to stay in the moment. For those of you who want to see the rest of my trip, check it out!mood:  calm the orchestra plays: Jars of Clay- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen |
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Leave Your Poems, Prayers, & Promises - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| May 2009 |
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wvdramaqueen's journal
restless
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